Taking him out for a change

As a man it is natural to want to do something for the woman you are courting or even the woman you love. I am so happy to have met such a wonderful man who loves doing so much for me. While I love being taken out and cared for I couldn't help but feel like I wanted to do something for him. I planned a romantic date for the two of us. I decided to take him on a picnic. I bought a picnic basket from world market that came with the cutest little blanket that was perfect for the two of us. I made all of his favorites. I made him the best chicken Alfredo I have ever made, chocolate chip cookies, watermelon, and made sure to add our favorite bottles of wine. We had the perfect picnic on the lake. After a few hours on the Lake I took him to this wonderful art studio where you paint a preselected picture and drink your liquor of choice. Of course we brought wine to go along with our date. We both had such a great time and he loved all of it! While I won't be paying for all of the dates I did make a list of dates that I could possibly take him on. Here's a list of ideas that would be enjoyable for you and your love.
-Zoo
-Beach
-Picnic
-Movies
-Skating
-Laser Tag
-Restaurant
-Lucky Strike
-Aquarium
-Mini Golfing
-Bowling
-Make dinner or lunch together, possibly for a picnic
-Go for a walk
-Pizza Date
-Drive in
-Go Carts
Pictures from our date:)

Dinner date for 2

It's been about a month since I last saw him. The man who took hold of my blindfolded heart. I've never had to actually say good bye. Until that day I never thought about what our good bye would be like. I almost imagined that it wouldn't happen and that something would happen to keep me there, but it didn't. Like all good things that too came to an end. The night before I left was amazing. We had an amazing dinner, fulfilled with crab legs  specially created by him with red skin potatoes and green beans. We had some delicious wine and tasteful treats "a favor of his". The night was wild, yet calm all together. We met in a place that will only exist with him. A place where I questioned our existence and believed I could find through him. While this place can only be found in unnatural realities I will never forget our spacial place. The next morning I dragged my last bags to the door and called him down to say our good bye. As soon as I saw him I broke down. I cried for what felt like forever. I actually boo wooed! I looked up to see his tears free falling from his beautiful brown eyes and actually saw his heart on display all over his face. This made my heart yearn for his presence even more. While I was hurt at the thought that I wouldn't be able to see him on the regular, I was excited that I would be in a brand new city doing what I always dreamed of doing, teaching… So I did it. I said good bye. After I moved I thought maybe I would meet someone right away, but I didn't, and so I called on my love to comfort my lonely nights, only to be greeted by a heart that knew me all too well. He knew why I called and didn't give me all of what I wanted. How did he know that I was just lonely? Did he feel like I was using him? Was I? Yes, I was. I do love him, just as he does me, but we are not together because we do not want to be. We are both great people, but we are only supposed to be friends. I will love him forever and I will always remember our special place, but the truth is that I have to let him go. While our friendship will float, our relationship has sunk and instead of tiring my self out trying to swim down to grab it, drag it, and keep a float. I'm going to let it  go, catch my breath and swim to the shore.

My bestie and I:)

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I remember when I was younger my step mother told me that a real friend was someone you didn’t have to see or talk to everyday, that no matter what you would pick up where you left off. I remember when I knew this person would be Tah. I was in the 9^th grade. She was pretty, witty, and smart. Our friendship was different than any other friendship I had. We bought each other presents for each others birthdays and we appreciated one another. We ended up going to college with each other and we ended up living with each other and becoming best friends. Now we are both graduated and you will never guess what’s happening now! We’re separating:(Sike!!!!! We are moving to Chicago together!!!! We always talked about it, but now it’s really happening!!!!! We are going to be taking on the big city of Chicago one day at a time! How lucky are we! Don’t worry, I’ll keep you in the loop!! Chicago is going to be amazing:)

I'm sure I learned a thing or two about it when I was in my first relationship. John. He did everything for me. He wanted more than anything for the two of us to stay together, but straight out of high school I knew that I would have to see more of the world before I could make a commitment like that. Now here I am 4 years later contemplating the same thing with yet again another John. He's pulled, tugged, pushed, and raped my emotions many of times. He has made me feel, as though cold is the only emotion I know, but as of now I am challenged. The two of us being together has not been for the good for the past few months. Both of us have become very unproductive. I noticed it, but I kept on pushing on, hoping I could get my shit together without focus, until he brought it to my attention. Of course he did this wrong. Pushing me away, making me feel unwanted and unappreciated. Now I know the reason. If it's more than obvious that two people can not work together for each others productivity should they end the relationship now, or should they wait, try to mend the pieces and try to make it work with the knew accusations they have formulated. It's been 3 months, but I'm willing to try for 3 more, 6 more, who knows, maybe even a year or more. I thought I loved him. Until he told me he didn't love me. That he has some feelings for me, but it's hard because he needs to focus. I'm sitting outside his apartment contemplating on going inside, or waiting for my best friend to come and get me. Something is keeping me from entering the apartment again. Is it the tears I hold back, or the pride I hold inside? Is this love, or is this..Dependency.

Leave or Stay

When is it time to leave? I want to be here, but I'm far from wanted. He makes me feel bad about myself more than often and this is far from good for myself. He doesn't care. Instead of focusing on him I should focus on myself because at the end of the day I am all that I have. I have to motivate myself, care about myself and realize that it's better to experience the initial hurt than to experience hurt through out the relationship. I've been gone for a day and he tells me that he needs his space. I ask him has he been thinking this and he tells me that he thinks about breaking up all the time. I should just have the decency to put an end to the bullshit and focus on myself. I try to hide my own anger of what I go through on a daily basis and focus on his happiness. Why would anyone do that? Why would I do that? I don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. We are not built to last and we won't. Especially when neither part wants to. I often think that maybe he starts this argument, or says things that he knows will piss me off, so I will just end it myself. He told me that there was no together. And it is impossible to let go of this statement. There is no together. He told me it was all over. Than over it shall be. I cannot care as much as I do because the only one receiving any type of pain is myself. I have to think with my heart and my mind. Obviously one of us is not up to speed. Could it be my heart? Or is my mind on point. The point is that I am the way I am, the way I have always been, just as he, and that’s fine, but I won't be disrespected, Ever! I feel as though his heart and his mind is not there. I want to leave for a week and not come back. Could I do it? I want to, but what is it that stops that? What is that thing that doesn't allow me to give him the space he needs. I wanted him to meet my father, but he won't. Only keepers meet my Daddy and I am unsure of how long this will even last, so why would I do that. I won't. I am not sad. I am more regretful, for my imposing. I should have let him be. I guess he was happy. So who wasn't, myself? And if so was I ever happy. Have I ever been happy or have I been trying to pretend that I was happy because I wanted him to be with me. There is still time for myself and I will always know that I have not met him. For we are not right for each other and this statement will live with myself forever.

Space!!!

I love my boyfriend. I love my relationship, but sometimes I have to admit that we need space. It’s not as if I am not reminded of this frequently by people on Tv shows, or sitcoms I watch, friends close to me, but sometimes it is easily to forget what one may need for their own relationship. I remember my boyfriend telling me once, that moving in would be the quickest way for our relationship to end. No I haven’t moved in, but I’m pretty damn close. I live with three boys and I can say that sometimes the apartment can get a little away from where I like it. They are not very messy boys at all, but they do think like boys when it comes to exactly what clean is, but compared to others it is by far the best of those, but because of how good this relationship has been to me I have easily forgotten where home actually is. I spend so much time at his place that any where else seems foreign. His house is comfortable and desirable. Sometimes he comes right out and tells me when he needs his space, but a few days ago it was as if that time frame did not fit into mine. I wasn’t ready to give space and so I stayed. I didn’t realize how much he needed space until we both snapped! I must say I was a little afraid that day! I felt as if he pulled something out of myself that day that made me feel outside of my character. There was too much of myself and too much of him. It was diffidently time for a break, and so that was just what I gave him. Not a long break, just a night off. I came back to his place the next day to take a nap and because of the large argument we had the day before we had both forgiven each other and laughed at our issue. I learned to give him space when he needs it and not be afraid. I felt like our relationship was started in the presence of another woman and it made me feel insecure to leave him ever. I was afraid that when he wasn’t with me he would be with her, so I fixed it! I would always be with him, but I don’t think this tactic worked. I mean I did end up with him, but I feel as though this behavior caused me to step away from myself and my life because I was so worried about him. I feel as though I made it hard for him to do the things he wanted to do and I felt as if this were not fair as well. We have been together for 3 ½ months now and it feels like forever. We have been dating since October and so it’s time to step out of the honey moon stage and allow the actual test to come on. The reality behind the situation is that by giving each other space, we actually are more excited to see one another. I sometimes wonder if this feeling is really that real. It’s so surreal. But all I can say is that I have actually learned that space is something that is imperative in a relationship and that it is the responsibility of both parties to make sure that they give each other the desired amount.

The Dog

How do you realize if a friendship is over? It's sad that when things happen in your life you tend to gravitate always from others while gravitating toward others. Last summer I experienced a lesson that changed my life. While I have become more aware, I stopped caring about certain things, stopped making an effort in other areas, and allowed some relationships to fall off. Not on purpose of course, for I love everyone, but my happiness source has changed and has caused my interest to slightly change. Relationships are scary because as you become closer to one, you loose your ability to be close with others including yourself. I love my friends, but as my interest change, so do they. While I have many relationships that this pertains to I have a lingering in my heart for one in particular. He came to me as obvious as he left. He was funny, warm, and real. While he could trick others, I always knew that he would never be able to trick me. Then one day he joined a group. I’m guessing he joined this group for a brotherhood, some type of system he assumed would always be there, but while they will always be there, does it mean they will always be real? The look in their eyes as I tried to pull him always was enticing. I gave up as their grip was a lot stronger then my own, but now I feel as though I too have lost the one I once loved like my own. He is with them now and I have come to accept this. Is this my fault? Did I let go of this relationship before he did? When do I go back, if I ever do? Is this it?

Relationships thus far

Relationships… At times hard to obtain, and for the most part hard to maintain. I love my relationships, whether they are my relationships with my closest friends, or my boyfriend. Unfortunately I don't have the closet relationships with my family, but hopefully through writing I will be able to work on that and focus on all of my relationships and learn how to maintain them all with a great balance. First I'm going to start my blog by giving you a dose of the most important people in my life. First I'm going to start with my Boyfriend, Dough. He's my heart! I love him to death, even though we have only been together for 2 and a half months we have been dating for about 6 and a half. Then there is my Hippielynn or I will probably refer to her as Tah. Tah is great. She's loving, smart, adventurous, beautiful, and optimistic. I love her for her flaws, for her ambitions, and for character. And of course there are a lot more, but as time permits, you will learn how our relationships have grown and why they hold they strength they hold. My mom died when I was 11, so unfortunately I feel as though I don't have a mother, even though I have a step mom a lot of negative energy permits this relationship from being as successful as it should be. I love my dad more than anything! He is my heart who I will love always!! He is just like me. We are both loving, sensitive, funny as hell, can be mean, smart, and at time nonchalant. My world of relationships is close. I am very big on loyalty, so I don’t keep too may close, as this is a very hard task for some. I have recently noticed a lot of people fading through out my life. While I'm pretty sure why It's always a good idea to recapture these relationships and make sure they are everlasting I can't help but question how everyone else is able to balance it all.